emilyg's Blog

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the
doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed, ' she replied..

' Well, strip down to your waist, ' the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk. '

I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma,
But I'm glad I came.'

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As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB.
I was quite embarrassed when performing female
pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment
I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.

The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam
suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me.
I looked up from my work and sheepishly said,
' I'm sorry. Was I tickling you? '
She replied with tears running down
her cheeks from laughing so hard . . .

' No doctor but the song you were whistling was . . .
' I wish I was an Oscar Mayer Wiener . '

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an
elderly and slightly deaf femaile patient's anterior chest wall.
'Big breaths,' . . . I instructed.
'Yes, they used to be,' . . . replied the patient.

Mr. President, perhaps amidst the merriment surrounding the inaugural festivities you misremembered your oath. Sir, you solemnly swore "to preserve, protect and defend the Constitution." But these few weeks hence, your State of the Union speech essentially disavowed America's cherished founding charter. Many left-leaning pundits applaud your "bold" vision to radically redefine America. President Obama, you are understandably emboldened by re-election, but you were not made king. Regardless of whether you agree with constitutional precepts, you're still legally bound; still compelled by the sacred oath you swore. Perhaps while lecturing college students on Constitutional Law you read it. What authorization

Forbes ^ |

HIGH SCHOOL -- 1957 vs. 2010

Scenario                 1:   
Jack goes quail hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck's gun rack.
1957 -  Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2012 -  School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.     

Scenario                 2:     
Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.   
1957 -  Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.   
2012 -  Police called and SWAT team arrives -- they arrest both Johnny and Mark.  They are both charged with assault and both expelled even though Johnny started it .   

Scenario                 3:     
Jeffrey will not be still in class, he disrupts other students.   
1957 -  Jeffrey sent to the Principal's office and given a good paddling by the Principal.  He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.                 
2012 -  Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin.   He becomes a zombie. He is then tested for ADD. The family gets extra money (SSI) from the government because Jeffrey has a disability.   

Scenario                 4:     
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.                 
1957 -  Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman.   
2012 -  Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse, Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist.   

Scenario                 5:     
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.   
1957 -  Mark shares his aspirin with the Principal out on the smoking dock .   
2012 -  The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. His car is then searched for drugs and weapons.                   

Scenario                 7:     
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant  bed.     
1957 -  Ants die.   
2012   -  ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism.  The FBI investigates his parents - and all siblings are removed from their home and all computers are confiscated.  Johnny's dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.                   

Scenario                 8:     
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee.   He is found crying by his teacher, Mary.  Mary hugs him to comfort him.     
1957  -   In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.                 
2012 -  Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy. 

This should hit every email inbox to show how stupid we have become!

18:45:38 -0500

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him,

"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican.

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be an Obama-Democrat."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are -- or where you are going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault."

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Afghan Children Deaths: Hundreds Killed By U.S. In Last Five Years, UN 'Alarmed' By Civilian Casualties

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/02/08/afghan-children-deaths-us-un_n_2647862.html?utm_hp_ref=world

Two      elderly women were eating breakfast in a
restaurant one morning. Ethel      noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, '"Mabel,      do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"      Mabel answered,      "I have a suppository in my ear?" She pulled it out and stared at      it.
Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I      know where to find my hearing aid."

Defense Secretary Leon Panetta testified this morning on Capitol Hill that President Barack Obama was absent the night four Americans were murdered in Benghazi on September 11

http://www.weeklystandard.com/blogs/panetta-obama-absent-night-benghazi_700405.html

"How fortunate for governments that the people they administer don't think."

Adolf Hitler

The father of a little girl here who is having cancer surgery tomorrow is being deported.  Why did Obama's uncle and aunt not get deported??

http://newtownbee.com/Opinions/Letters_to_the_Editor/2013/01-January/2013-01-10__13-58-39/Elected+Officials+Are+Fundamentally+Dishonest

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How I learned to Mind My Own Business

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, "13,,,,13,,,,13".

The fence was too high to see over, I saw a little gap in the planks, so I look through to see what was going on.

Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick then they all started shouting, "14...14....14."