http://www.ebaumsworld.com/video/watch/223148/

OLD" IS WHEN ... Your sweetie says, " Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one; I can't do both!"

"OLD " IS WHEN ... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

"OLD" IS WHEN ... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

"OLD" IS WHEN ... Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

"OLD" IS WHEN ... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

"OLD" IS WHEN ... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

"OLD" IS WHEN ..."Getting a little action" means you don't need to take any fiber today.

"OLD" IS WHEN ... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

"OLD" IS WHEN ....An "all-nighter" means not getting up to use the bathroom during the night.

AND

"OLD" IS WHEN ... You are not sure if these are jokes or facts

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

* Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

* Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

* Law of Probability:
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

* Law of the Telephone:
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

* Variation Law:
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time). 

Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

* Law of Coffee:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something, which will last until the coffee is cold no matter how hot is your coffee is.

* Law of Location:
No matter where you go, there you are.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Q: Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A: Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q: Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A: Samson. He brought the house down.

Q: Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A: Pharaoh's daughter She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

*Are part-time bandleaders semi-conductors?

*Do pilots take crash-courses?

*Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

*Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

*Since Americans throw rice at weddings do Orientals throw hamburgers?

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Year 1981

1. Prince Charles got married
2. liverpool crowned Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes
4. Pope Died

Year 2005

1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes
4. Pope Died

In future, if Prince Charles decides to re-marry and Liverpool wins another European crown.... someone please warn the Australian cricket side and the Pope!

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning.

Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed.

Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, "Honey, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."

"Certainly, darling," he said, and feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?"

"Yeah, so?" said the officer.

"Well what the heck are you doing all dressed up like the Fire Chief?"

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled a motorist as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket.

"Keep it," the cop said, "when you collect four of them you get a bicycle."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The fist knocking on the door belonged to a cop. Bracing for the worst, my husband, who was working on a job site, opened up.

"Is that yours?" asked the officer, pointing to a company van that was jutting out into the narrow street.

"Uhh, yes it is," said my husband.

"Would you mind moving it?" asked the officer. "We've set up a speed trap, and the van's causing everyone to slow down."

Forget global warming: Welcome to the new Ice Age

Lorne Gunter, National Post  Published: Monday, February 25, 2008

Snow cover over North America and much of Siberia, Mongolia and China is greater than at any time since 1966.

 The U.S. National Climatic Data Center (NCDC) reported that many American cities and towns suffered record cold temperatures in January and early February. According to the NCDC, the average temperature in January "was -0.3 F cooler than the 1901-2000 (20th century) average."

China is surviving its most brutal winter in a century. Temperatures in the normally balmy south were so low for so long that some middle-sized cities went days and even weeks without electricity because once power lines had toppled it was too cold or too icy to repair them.

 There have been so many snow and ice storms in Ontario and Quebec in the past two months that the real estate market has felt the pinch as home buyers have stayed home rather than venturing out looking for new houses.

 In just the first two weeks of February, Toronto received 70 cm of snow, smashing the record of 66.6 cm for the entire month set back in the pre-SUV, pre-Kyoto, pre-carbon footprint days of 1950.

 And remember the Arctic Sea ice? The ice we were told so hysterically last fall had melted to its "lowest levels on record? Never mind that those records only date back as far as 1972 and that there is anthropological and geological evidence of much greater melts in the past.

The ice is back.

 Gilles Langis, a senior forecaster with the Canadian Ice Service in Ottawa, says the Arctic winter has been so severe the ice has not only recovered, it is actually 10 to 20 cm thicker in many places than at this time last year.

 OK, so one winter does not a climate make. It would be premature to claim an Ice Age is looming just because we have had one of our most brutal winters in decades.

 But if environmentalists and environment reporters can run around shrieking about the manmade destruction of the natural order every time a robin shows up on Georgian Bay two weeks early, then it is at least fair game to use this winter's weather stories to wonder whether the alarmist are being a tad premature.

And it's not just anecdotal evidence that is piling up against the climate-change dogma.

 According to Robert Toggweiler of the Geophysical Fluid Dynamics Laboratory at Princeton University and Joellen Russell, assistant professor of biogeochemical dynamics at the University of Arizona -- two prominent climate modellers -- the computer models that show polar ice-melt cooling the oceans, stopping the circulation of warm equatorial water to northern latitudes and triggering another Ice Age (a la the movie The Day After Tomorrow) are all wrong.

"We missed what was right in front of our eyes," says Prof. Russell. It's not ice melt but rather wind circulation that drives ocean currents northward from the tropics. Climate models until now have not properly accounted for the wind's effects on ocean circulation, so researchers have compensated by over-emphasizing the role of manmade warming on polar ice melt.

 But when Profs. Toggweiler and Russell rejigged their model to include the 40-year cycle of winds away from the equator (then back towards it again), the role of ocean currents bringing warm southern waters to the north was obvious in the current Arctic warming.

 Last month, Oleg Sorokhtin, a fellow of the Russian Academy of Natural Sciences, shrugged off manmade climate change as "a drop in the bucket." Showing that solar activity has entered an inactive phase, Prof. Sorokhtin advised people to "stock up on fur coats."

 He is not alone. Kenneth Tapping of our own National Research Council, who oversees a giant radio telescope focused on the sun, is convinced we are in for a long period of severely cold weather if sunspot activity does not pick up soon.

The last time the sun was this inactive, Earth suffered the Little Ice Age that lasted about five centuries and ended in 1850. Crops failed through killer frosts and drought. Famine, plague and war were widespread. Harbours froze, so did rivers, and trade ceased.

 It's way too early to claim the same is about to happen again, but then it's way too early for the hysteria of the global warmers, too. lgunter@shaw.ca 

This has to be the best way to stop telemarketers from ever calling you again. I won't ruin it for you. Just scroll down and click on the play button.

http://www.funcram.com/videos/best-prank-call-ever.html

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LRJlVBQkSSI&feature=related

Sex Therapy-Florida Style

How to Go to Heaven

A teacher was testing the children in her Sunday School class to see if they understood the concept of getting to Heaven. She asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?"

 "NO!" the children answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"

Again, the answer was, "NO!"

 "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?" she asked them again.

 Again, they all answered, "NO!"

 She continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"

A six-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE FxxxIN' DEAD!"

I'm currently driving for my ex boss's airport transportation company until I get a local trucking job.

He just called me with a very unusual story. He said that while he was driving in Naples, here in Florida, that a security guard called him on his cell phone asking my boss how much time they needed for a trip to the airport, for a private jet. My boss said that since it's a private jet, they won't mind waiting an extra a few minutes if your late because they won't make money unless they have passengers, and that it would take around 45 minutes from Naples.

The security guard found that amusing and laughed, and said thanx and hung up. 10 minutes later the guard called back and told my boss if he'd be intereseted in picking up Engelbert Humperdinck from the Naples Hilton.

I asked my boss how the guard got your number, and he said that some hotel front desk person recommended his company. His company only has 2 1996 Lincoln town cars and a 1996 Dodge caravan, which I drive for work. You'd think that the front desk would have called some fancy shmancy top of the line Limo company with a stretch.

Go figure, but my boss was elated to say the least, and is going to pick him up some time this afternoon.

The weird thing is that the other day while I was driving, I kept hearing about Engelbert's performance here at a local arena. The sales pitch kept saying how to order tickets, and they were playing excerpts of his song, and I was saying to myself...yeah...let me rush down to the ticket office and buy a ticket...jokingly...like yeah right ok...lol

Can you imagine the odds?

--------------------------------------------------------

The other strange story happened to me this morning when I was sleeping. I was dreaming that I was living with an old roommate back in N.Y. about 11 years ago. He kept getting a phone call and after a few rings he'd pick up the phone and the person on the other line would hang up. This continued to happen about 4 or 5 more times.

Now here's where the dream gets spooky. The next time the phone rang, my roommate was outside and couldn't get to the phone. So I picked it up and the person hungup, but before he or she hung up, I was trying to see if I could get the number off the screen on the mobile house phone. I just couldn't read the whole thing , but I did manage to get the name and the first 3 numbers.

Now I know we have a member here named Benmas, and that was the name I saw, and the first 3 numbers were 943. What that means I have no idea...lol

The scary part is that my roommate finally came back in the house and the phone rang again, but this time I told him to quickly get a pen and that he might be more successful than I in getting the whole number. As he answered the phone, he began to scribble something down so fast and unreadable to me, but i just kept watching and watching. He must've wrote a paragraph in scribble.

Now I must say I'm not religous at all. I believe in spirituality, but not organized religion. Having said that, as soon as he was finished with the scribbling, he rushed downstairs and I followed him asking him what the heck he was doing. He didn't answer me. As he left the house and got into his car, a lady friend showed up at the front door with her young daughter.

Both the woman, her child and I were standing there in amazement, as my roommate jumped in his car and started to drive in circles. As he was doing this I could see his face, but as he was turning, his head was shape shifting into a reptile form, and as he came back around it went back to normal, and as he drove areound his face shifted again, and again.

As he was going around in circles, I was hearing very loud voices in my head of a preacher or someone with great authority shouting and warning of the second coming. Then the shouting got louder. More talk about repentance on so on....about being ready for his glorious return.....and so on. At one moment, I forget what he was saying, but he said something very loud, and a flock of birds in the hundreds, which were sitting across the street suddenly flew into the air as if they were spooked by something.

I immediately woke up, and very thirsty. So I went to the kitchen and wanted to rinse out a cup, so I can fill it with fresh water, but the water was not running. As I went to the phone to call the owner of the house I'm staying at the moment, I got the call from my boss, telling me about Engelbert Humperdinck.

Very very strange dream. I think I'll lay off eating before I go to bed...lol

http://www.cbc.ca/fifth/video_player.html?lies

I was just sleeping about 5 minutes ago, when I heard an explosion. I jumped out of bed, and remembered the shuttle was due, but wasn't sure. I turned on Headline news, and sure enough, it was the shuttle landing.

From where I live here in Florida, it usually takes about 4 hours to go to Orlando by car. It took the shuttle about 5 minutes...lol

Pretty cool.

Cusco "Inca Dance"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CLiLMboE9I8

Enigma "Sadness"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UqNZ5Y5BgdA

 Bobby Vee "The night has a thousand eyes"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kOG3IZvuCSs

Dalida "Flamenco"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CjOaVnt6aaE

http://fr.youtube.com/watch?v=l-9WsKlKXJI&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pCYdve8uvxE

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/portal/ttv/news.jhtml?bcpid=1137942530&bclid=1155254697&bctid=1417354699

The only problem with this is that you're soaking wet when you get out of the water...lol  DUMB!