emilyg's Blog

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Drudge

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It was so hot today that Burger King was singing, "if you want it your way, cook it yourself."

It was so hot today I saw a robin dipping his worm in Nestea.

It was so hot, musicians were snorting ice cubes.

It's so hot, your Odor Eaters have sent up a white flag.

It's so hot I saw two trees fighting over a dog.

For example, the http://www.dns-ok.us/ will state if you are or are not infected

www.dns-ok.us/

ECONOMIST: 75% of Obamacare costs to fall on Americans making less than $120,000 a year...

http://www.drudgereport.com/

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>
>
> From: Subject: PARAPROSDOKIANS
>
>
>
> PARAPROSDOKIANS (Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in
> which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected;
> frequently humorous.
>
> 1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
>
> 2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
>
> 3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until
> you hear them speak.
>
> 4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
>
> 5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
>
> 6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left..
>
> 7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a
> fruit salad.
>
> 8. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell
> you why it isn't.
>
> 9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is
> research.
>
> 10. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk
> is a work station.
>
> 11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
>
> 12. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency,
> notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'
>
> 13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
>
> 14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street
> with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
>
> 15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a
> successful man is usually another woman.
> 16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
>
> 17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to
> skydive twice.
>
> 18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live
> with.
>
> 19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they
> can't get away.
>
> 20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
>
> 21. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you
> hit the target.
>
> 22. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
>
> 23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
>
> 24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
>
> 25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in
> a garage makes you a car.
>

Secret Service takes forks away from Latinos at Obama event...

Drudge

After being married for 40 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said ....... "Forty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.

Now ... I have a $500,000.00 home, a $35,000.00 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 65-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems.

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Obama Asks People Getting Married To Forgo Gifts...

Donate To His Campaign Instead

There was a bit of confusion at the store this morning. When I was
ready to pay for my groceries, the cashier said, "Strip down facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to my congressman about Homeland
Security running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out
that she was referring to my credit card.

I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!

Being Green

Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the older woman, that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren't good for the environment.

The woman apologized and explained, "We didn't have this green thing back in my earlier days."

The young clerk responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations."

She was right -- our generation didn't have the green thing in its day.

Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled.

But we didn't have the green thing back in our day.

Grocery stores bagged our groceries in brown paper bags, that we reused for numerous things, most memorable besides household garbage bags, was the use of brown paper bags as book covers for our schoolbooks. This was to ensure that public property, (the books provided for our use by the school) was not defaced by our scribbling's. Then we were able to personalize our books on the brown paper bags.

But too bad we didn't do the green thing back then.

We walked up stairs, because we didn't have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks.

But she was right. We didn't have the green thing in our day.

Back then, we washed the baby's diapers because we didn't have the throwaway kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy-gobbling machine burning up 220 volts -- wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.

But that young lady is right; we didn't have the green thing back in our day.

Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana . In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.

But she's right; we didn't have the green thing back then.

We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.

But we didn't have the green thing back then.

Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service. We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 23,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest burger joint.

But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have the green thing back then?

Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a lesson in conservation from a smartxxx young person...

The Lone Ranger and Tonto

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see? '

'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically,it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.

Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.

Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What does it tell you, Tonto?'

'You dumber than buffalo sh*t. It means someone stole the tent.'