ochoop17's Blog

Never resting, never still.
Moving silently from hill to hill.
It does not walk, run or trot,
All is cool where it is not.
What is it?

In what year was the catcher's mask first used used in a baseball game ?

You know you are addicted to coffee if ...

You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

You sleep with your eyes open.

You have to watch videos in fast-forward.

The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.

You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.

You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.

Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

You chew on other people's fingernails.

The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.

You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.

You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.

You can jump-start your car without cables.

You don't sweat, you percolate.

You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.

You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.

You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.

People get dizzy just watching you.

Instant coffee takes too long.

You channel surf faster without a remote.

You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.

You can outlast the Energizer bunny.

You short out motion detectors.

You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.

Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.

You help your dog chase its tail.

You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.

Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.

You ski uphill.

You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.

You answer the door before people knock.

You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

What two things can never be eaten for breakfast?

Katharine Hepburn won __ Oscars .

You don't want to hear these!

 

Things you don't want to hear during surgery: 1. Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy. 2. Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop 3. "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness" 4. Spot! Spot! Comeback with that! Bad Dog! 5. Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that? 6. Hand me that... uh... that uh... thingie. 7. Oh no! I just lost my Rolex. 8. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before? 9. <snip>, there go the lights again... 10. "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of 'em. 11. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens! 12. Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off. 13. Anyone see where I left that scalpel? 14. I hope his family won't miss him 15. And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape. 16. <snip>! Page 47 of the manual is missing! 17. Nurse, did this patient sign the organs donation card? 18. Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough. 19. FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!.

Which bird does not belong in this group?
finch, gull, eagle, ostrich, sparrow

" Ben-Hur " won -- Academy Awards.

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God,
"Lord, I have a problem!"
What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these
wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"What's a 'man', Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous
ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all,
he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger & faster & more muscular
than you. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about &
hunting fleet-footed ruminants, & not altogether bad in the sack."
"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
"Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a blunt stick. But,
you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."

Between two legs the living flesh ambles,
Between two buttocks the living flesh trembles,
And when it comes to the door,
Its master knocks.

William Henry Pratt was better known by what name ?

A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so on it goes.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?"
She says, "No, I'm really a blonde."

"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken

Ravi’s father has four sons: Monday, Wednesday, Friday and _______?

During the Crimean War, Britain & France declared war on _____.

Only Beer Drinkers Would Understand

In Amsterdam, a world wide convention of brewers was held.

The presidents of many of the world's greatest breweries were on hand, and many of them decided to go out for dinner together on the first evening.

The waiter asked what they would like to drink, and the CEO of Miller said, "The Best Beer in the world, an MGD please!"

The president of Budweiser asked for "The King of Beers, make it a Bud!".

Adolph Coors requested a "From mountain spring water, the clearest beer, a Coors if you don't mind."

And so it went around the large table, each president asking for the brew from his own company as if it was the best.

Finally, the waiter came to Arthur Guinness.

"And you sir?" he queried.

"I'll have a Coke!" was Guinness's reply.

"A Coke??!?" The waiter was shocked.

"Wouldn't you rather have a Guinness, sir?"

Arthur looked at the waiter, and gestured to his companions. "Well," he said, "If they're not drinking beer, then neither will I!"