ochoop17's Blog

When you have me, you feel like sharing me. But, if you do share me, you don’t have me. What am I?

here was a little old cleaning woman that went to the local church. When the invitation was given at the end of the service, she went forward wanting to become a member. The pastor listened as she told him how she had accepted Jesus and wanted to be baptized and become a member of the church.
       
       The pastor thought to himself, "oh my, she is so unkempt, even smells a little, and her fingernails are not clean. She picks up garbage, cleans toilets - what would the members think of her." He told her that she needed to go home and pray about it and then decide.
       
       The following week, here she came again. She told the pastor that she had prayed about it and still wanted to be baptized. "I have passed this church for so long. It is so beautiful, and I truly want to become a member."
       
       Again the pastor told her to go home and pray some more. A few weeks later while out eating at the restaurant, the pastor saw the little old lady. He did not want her to think that he was ignoring her so he approached her and said, "I have not seen you for a while. Is everything all right?"
       
       "Oh, yes," she said. "I talked with Jesus, and he told me not to worry about becoming a member of your church."
       
       "He did?" said the pastor.
       
       "Oh, yes" she replied. "He said even He hasn't been able to get into your church yet, and He's been trying for years."

_____ became the first state to be readmitted to the Union after the Civil War.

What kind of sport starts with a t?

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her 9-year-old son in the closet. One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet as well.

 

Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?"

 

"Yes it is," the man replies.

 

"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.

 

"No thanks," the man replies.

 

"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues.

 

"Okay. How much?" the man asks after considering the position he is in.

 

"25 dollars," the little boy replies.

 

"25 DOLLARS?!" the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.

 

The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy.

 

"It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.

 

"Yes it is," replies the man.

 

"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.

 

"Okay. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.

 

"50 dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed.

 

The next weekend, the little boy's father says, "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch."

 

"I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy.

 

"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.

 

"75 dollars," the little boy says.

 

"75 DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness, the father explains as he hauls the child away.

 

At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?"

 

"Don't you start that crap in here now," the priest replies

What did Lawrence Tero change his name to?

How can you add eight 8's to get the number 1,000? (only use addition)

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

- The dog. He'll shut up once you let him in.

In a 1979 commercial for Coke, what does " Mean" Joe Greene give a child after the child gives him a Coke ?

What is it that won’t cry, if you strike it?

 

A large, powerfully built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress.

 

After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That's 1,000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool.

 

The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder's pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That's 1,000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point.

 

Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door. He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?"

 

She replies, "With 2,000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"

What was the name of the butler " Soap".

After teaching his class all about roman numerals (X = 10, IX=9 and so on) the teacher asked his class to draw a single continuous line and turn IX into 6.

The only stipulation the teacher made was that the pen could not be lifted from the paper until the line was complete

A man was stranded on a desert island for 10 years. One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wetsuit.... Man: "Hi! Am I ever happy to see you." Girl: "Hi! It seems like you've been here a long time. How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" Man: "It's been ten years!" With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man cigarette. Man: "Oh thank you so much!" Girl: "So tell me how long its been since you had a drink?" Man: "It's been ten years" The girl unzips a little longer zipper on her wet suit and comes out with a flask of whiskey and gives the man a drink. Man: "Oh... thank you so much. You are like a miracle!" Girl: [Starting to unzip the front of her wet suit.] "So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around?" Man: "Oh, my God, don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there too?!"

1978,------- -------- was fired as president of Ford Motor Co. by chairman Henry Ford II.