ochoop17's Blog

The grieving widow goes to her local newspaper to submit an obituary. The man behind the counter tells her it will cost $5.00 per word. She thinks for a moment and says: "Fred's dead."

 

The man then informs her there is a five word minimum.

 

"OK," she says: "Fred's dead; Buick for sale."

A truck driver is going the wrong way down a street. A policeman sees him. The policeman doesn't stop the truck driver. Why?

Name the uncle who narrates the "Br'er Rabbit" stories ?

A preacher goes into a bar and says: "Anybody who wants to go to heaven, stand up."

 

Everybody stands up except for a drunk in the corner. The preacher says: "My son, don't you want to go to heaven when you die?"

 

The drunk says: "When I die? Sure. I thought you were taking a load up now."

I do not breathe, but I run and jump.
I do not eat, but I swim and stretch.
I do not drink, but I sleep and stand.
I do not think, but I grow and play.
I do not see, but you see me every day

What the name of the pirate from the Cap'n Crunch commercials ?

A man phones home from his office and says to his wife: "I have the chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. I have to leave right away. Pack my clothes, my fishing equipment and especially my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in an hour to pick them up."

 

The man rushes home to grab everything. He hugs his wife, apologizes for the short notice, and then hurries off.

 

A week later, the man returns and his wife asks: "Did you have a good trip, dear?"

 

The man replies: "Yep, the fishing was great... but you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas."

 

His wife smiles and says: "Oh, no I didn't... I put them in your tackle box!"

Lighter than what I am made of More of me is hidden Than is seen. What am I?

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks: "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?"

 

The agent replies, "Just a minute..."

 

"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.

What was the name of Tina's Turner character in " Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome" ?

I can run but not walk. Wherever I go, thought follows close behind. What am I?

An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when all of a sudden a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

 

"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really, really rich."

 

*POOF*

 

Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

 

She smiles and says: "Gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess."

 

*POOF*

 

She turns into a beautiful young woman.

 

"Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. "Ooh... can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks.

 

*POOF*

 

There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.

 

She stares at him, smitten. He saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear: "Bet you're sorry you had me neutered!"

Who played Gopher on " The Love Boat " ?

What asks no questions but demands an answer?

A Doctor had an elderly patient "drop" in on him for an unscheduled appointment.

 

"What can I do for you today, Mr. Smith?", the Doctor asked.

 

The aged gentleman replied: "Doctor, you must help me. Every time I make love to my wife, my eyes get all bleary, my legs go weak and I can hardly catch my breath... Doctor, I'm frightened!"

 

The Doctor, looking at his 86-year-old patient, said, "Mr. Smith, these sensations tend to happen over time, especially to a man of your advanced years, but tell me, when did you first notice these symptoms?"

 

The old gentleman thought for a moment and said: "Well... three times last night, and twice again this morning!"