ochoop17's Blog

You can have me but cannot hold me;
Gain me and quickly lose me.
If treated with care I can be great,
And if betrayed I will break.
What am I?

"I’ve had it with my wife." said the one drinking buddy to the other. "I’m filing for a divorce."

"I’m sorry to hear that,” said his partner. "May I ask why?"

"I found her supply of birth control pills," said the first.

"Listen Frank, with all due respect to your religion, I just can’t see leaving your wife for what the Church says is a sin."

"It ain’t just that," stormed Frank. "I had a vasectomy over five years ago!"

A word I know, six letters it contains, subtract one, and twelve remains. What am I??

Many girls like to marry a military man, he can cook, sew, make a bed and is in good health…and he’s already used to taking orders.

In what U. S. city was the world's first traffic light installed ?

A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order. There was a big sign posted that read, "No bills larger than $20 will be accepted." The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign remarked, "Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than 20 dollars I wouldn't be eating here."

What was the top selling DVD in 2007 ?

Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!"

"I've been circumcised," the other replied.

"What's that mean?"

"It means they cut the skin off the end."

"How old were you when it was cut off?"

"My mom said I was two days old."

"Did it hurt?" the kid asked inquiringly.

"You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"

Some can hurt
others don't
some can teach
others won't
some are stupid
others smart
and some will take them
right to heart

Why did the turkey cross the road?

A man wakes up out of a deep sleep and, feeling very horny, he nudges his wife awake and asks, "Why don't we get it on, eh?"

She replies, "I have an appointment at the gynecologist tomorrow and you know I don't like to make love the night before." So the husband agrees, and rolls back over to go back to sleep.

A few minutes later, he nudges his wife again and asks, "You don't by any chance have a dentist's appointment tomorrow, do you?"

You are a bus driver. At the first stop of the day, eight people get on board. At the second stop, four get off, and eleven get on. At the third stop, two get off, and six get on. At the fourth stop, thirteen get off, and one gets on. At the fifth stop, five get off, and three get on. At the sixth stop, three get off, and two get on. What color are the bus driver’s eyes?

Doreen's husband Matt died suddenly one day, and it fell to Doreen to take care of the funeral arrangements.

It was during her consultation with the undertaker that she was asked how she wanted Matt's obituary to read.

Doreen asked the undertaker, "How much does an obituary cost?"

The undertaker replied, "One dollar per word."

Doreen then said, "I want the obituary to read ‘MATT IS DEAD.’"

The undertaker was an old fishing buddy of Matt's and he was a little disturbed by such a curt obituary, so he offered, "I'll make you a special deal since I knew Matt so well. I'll pay for half of the obituary out of my own pocket."

Doreen's face lit up and she replied, "Great. I want it to read ‘MATT IS DEAD, BOAT FOR SALE.’"

A blonde got lost in her car in a snow storm. She remembered what her father had once told her: “If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, wait for a snow plow and follow it.”

Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing.

She explained that her father had told her if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow.

The driver nodded and said, “Well, I’m done with the Wal-Mart parking lot. You can follow me over to K-Mart now if you like.”