ochoop17's Blog

It's the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh. What is it?

What two things can you never eat for breakfast?

The game of choice for unemployed people or maintenance
level workers is basketball.
The game of choice for frontline workers is football.
The game of choice for middle management is tennis.
The game of choice for CEOs and executives is golf.
Conclusion: The higher up on the corporate ladder you are,
the smaller your balls are.

Why shouldn't you lose your temper ?

 I am strongest when you see me as round, but I am often viewed in other forms. I lift & drop the sea with my tremendous strength, and a man with a name like 'powerful bicep' was the first to tread on me. What am I?

A man came home VERY late, drunk as a skunk, to find his wife waiting for him at the door. “Where have you been?” she screams. “It’s 4 in the morning!”

He says, “Aw, I just stopped at this bar, I was only going to have one drink… but this bar, it was incredible. Everything in it was gold-plated. They had a gold rail under the bar, gold ashtrays, they served the drinks in gold shot glasses, the table posts were all gold-plated, even the mirror behind the bar was gold. The cash register was gold. I was so amazed by all this gold, I just kept ordering drinks, and so I could stay in the bar and look at it. Hell, even when I went to the Men’s Room to take a leak, they had gold-plated urinals… Man, it was wonderful.”

“I don’t believe that story for one g-d--n minute,” his wife said. “What was this place called?”

“Hell,” he replies, “I can’t remember… I got too drunk, and I forgot.”

“You’re gonna have to prove it to me tomorrow when you sober up, or I’m going to divorce you!” she said.

The next day, the man looks through the Yellow Pages under “Bars,” but none of the names ring a bell. He decides that he’ll call all the bars listed, and ask the bartenders about the decor in their establishments. He’s called about 50 bars so far, and still no luck. Finally, he calls one bar, asks his question, and the bartender says that, yes, they are the bar with all the gold-plated stuff.

“Here,” the man says, handing the phone to his wife. “Ask this bartender if I’m lying!”

The wife gets on the line, and begins to ask the bartender about all the things her husband had told her about on the previous night: the rail, the shot glasses, the mirrors, the table posts, the cash register, etc. Finally, she says, “Now, this may seem like a strange question, but my husband says you even have gold-plated urinals. Do you?”

The bartender puts the phone down on the bar, and she hears him yell, “Hey Mike!! I think I know who pissed in your saxophone!”

How many species did Moses bring on the Ark ?

What question can someone ask all day long, always get
completely different answers, and yet all the answers could
be correct?

A dedicated shop steward was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels.

When he got to the first one, he asked the madame, "Is this a union house?"

"No, I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20."

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop.

His search continued as long as you want to draw things out, until finally he reached a brothel where the madame said, "Why yes, this is a union house."

"And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead. "I'd like her for the night."

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the madame, gesturing to a fat fifty-year-old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."

In each of these puzzles, there are two double blanks. Fill in the blanks with the same pair of letters to complete an English word. For example, use the letter-pair ac in b__ckp__k to make the word backpack.

a _ _ a _ _ a

When I sit, I am taller than when I stand.