A man complained to his pal, “I can’t break my wife of the habit of staying up until 5:00 in the morning.”

“What is she doing?” the pal asked.

“Waiting for me to get home.”

Lives without a body, hears without ears, speaks without a mouth, to which the air alone gives birth.

A guy was trying to console a friend who'd just found his wife
in bed with another man.
"Get over it, buddy," he said. "It's not the end of the world."
"It's all right for you to say," answered his buddy. "But what
if you came home one night and caught another man in bed with
your wife?"
The fella ponders for a moment, then says, "I'd break his cane
and kick his seeing-eye dog in the a--."

Which is the quietest sport?

What do you call a fish without an eye?

A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

“You’ll get your chance in court,” said the desk sergeant.

“No, no, no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”

What word in the English language uses all five vowels plus Y in alphabetical order and uses each one only once?

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he
has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words
that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation - "I now pronounce you man and
wife."

To cross the water I'm the way,

For water I'm above;

I touch it not, and truth to say,

I neither swim nor move. What am I?

At a posh Las Vegas casino, a blackjack dealer and a player with a 13 count in his hand are arguing about whether or not it is appropriate to tip the dealer. The player says, "When I get bad cards, it’s not the dealer’s fault. Accordingly, when I get good cards, the dealer obviously has nothing to do with that either, so why should I tip him?"


The dealer replies, "When you eat at a restaurant do you tip the waiter?"


"Yes," the gambler concedes.


"Well then, he serves you food; whether it’s good or bad isn’t up to him. By the same token, I’m serving you cards, so you should tip me."


"OK," says the gambler, "but the waiter gives me what I ask for.I’ll take an 8."

Why can't Kevin Laroche, who is now living in Canada, not be buried in the USA?

Jewish and Chinese Pilots

How do you know if you have a slow dog?

After a woman meets a man in a bar, they talk and end up leaving together. They get back to his flat, and as he's showing her around, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of them - all arranged in size, from the smallest on the shelves along the floor, to the huge daddy bears on the very top shelf. Although surprised, the woman decides not to mention this to him. After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks smiling, "How was it?", "Well," says the man, frowning. "You can have any prize from the bottom shelf."

What goes into the water black and comes out red?