ochoop17's Blog

A dead man is found in a locked room, hanging from the ceiling 4 ft. above the floor. The room is completely empty, except for a puddle of water below him. How did he die?

A man goes to his doctor and tells him that his wife hasn’t wanted to have sex with him for the past seven months. The doctor thinks about it for a moment and tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her privately. So the wife comes into the doctor’s office and the doctor asks her what's wrong.

The wife tells him, "For the last seven months, I have taken a cab to work every morning. I don't have any money, so the cab driver asks me, 'So are you going to pay today or what?' So I take an 'or what.' When I get to work I'm late so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to write this down in the book or what?' So I take an 'or what.' Back home again I take the cab and again I don't have any money, so the cab driver asks me again, 'So are you going to pay this time or what?' So again I take an 'or what.' So you see doctor, when I get home I'm completely exhausted and I don't want it any more."

The doctor thinks for a moment and then turns to the wife and says, "So are we going to tell your husband about this or what?"

Did you hear the creator of the hokey pokey died?

They had trouble getting him in the casket. When they put his left foot in, it came right back out

What is greater than God,
More evil than the devil?
The poor have it,
The rich need it,
And if you eat it, you die?

An extremely drunk fellow decides that he wants to go fishing. He packs up all his tackle and sets out in search of a suitable spot. Eventually, he stumbles across a huge area of ice and decides that he'll give it a go. Taking out a saw from his tackle box, he starts to saw a hole in the ice.

Suddenly, a loud voice booms out at him, "There's no fish in here." The drunk looks all around him but can't see anyone. He decides to ignore the voice and carries on sawing.

Again, the voice booms out, "I've told you once, there's no fish in here!" He looks up again but there's still no sign of anyone so he returns to his task.

"Stop it!" shouts the now very angry sounding voice, "You'd better pack up your stuff and get out of here or there'll be trouble."

"Who are you?" shouts the drunk guy.

"Look," replies the voice, "I'm the manager of this Ice Rink!"

Chair Philosophy

I'm not fishing! A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book. Along comes the sheriff in his boat, pulls up alongside and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading my book," she replies as she thinks to herself, "Is this guy blind or what?" "You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her. "But, Officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?" "But you have all this equipment, Ma'am. I'll have to take you in and write you up." "If you do that, I will charge you with rape," snaps the irate woman. "I didn't even touch you," grouses the sheriff. "Yes, that's true ... but you have all the equipment ..." Moral: Never argue with a woman who knows how to read

Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point A Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down. 2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice. 3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with That. 4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In". 5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone Has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch o E! spresso. 6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For SeSual Favors" (I changed it to S for Graces and my sake.) 7. Finish all Your Sentences With "In Accordance With The Prophecy." 8 don't use any punctuation 9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk. 11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go." 12. Sing Along At The Opera. 13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme 14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play Tropical Sounds All Day. 15. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!" 16. When Leaving The zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking Lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!" 17. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

A small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial -- a grandmotherly, elderly woman.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you will never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"

She replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench.

In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"

Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office where she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.

Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, shortage or no shortage, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair.”

This guy staggers into a bar and shouts, "A double whisky please, barman, and a drink for everyone here… and while you're at it, have one yourself."

"Well thank you, sir," says the barman and proceeds to pour everyone their drinks.

Moments later the guy shouts, "Another whisky for me, and the same again for everyone else."

The bartender looks a little worried now and says, "Excuse me, sir, but don't you think you should pay me for that last round first?"

The guy slurs, "I can't. I don't have any money." With this the bartender flies into a rage and literally throws the guy out of the bar.

Twenty minutes later the guy staggers back in and shouts out, "A double whisky for me, and a drink for all my friends."

"I suppose you'll be offering me a drink too?" the barman asks, marveling at the guy's nerve.

"Not likely," slurs the guy, "You get nasty when you drink!"

This guy's wife asks, "Honey, if I died would you remarry?"

He replies, "Well, after a considerable period of grieving, we all need companionship, so I guess I would."

She says, "If I died and you remarried, would she live in this house?"

He replies, "We've spent a lot of time and money getting this house just the way we want it. I'm not going to get rid of my house, so I guess she would."

So she asks, "If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house, would she sleep in our bed?"

He says, "That bed is brand new, we just paid $2,000 for it, it's going to last a long time, so I guess she would."

She asks, "If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house, and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?"

And he says, "Oh no, she's left-handed."

A salesman walking along the beach found a bottle. When he rubbed it, lo and behold, a genie appeared.
"I will grant you three wishes," announced the genie. "But since Satan still hates me, for every wish you make, your rival gets the wish as well -- only double."

The salesman thought about this for a while. "For my first wish, I would like ten million dollars," he announced.
Instantly the genie gave him a Swiss bank account number and assured the man that $10,000,000 had been deposited. "But your rival has just received $20,000,000," the genie said.

 

"I've always wanted a Ferrari," the salesman said.
Instantly a Ferrari appeared. "But your rival has just received two Ferraris," the genie said. "And what is your last wish?"

"Well," said the salesman, "I've always wanted to donate a kidney for transplant."

The Dead Church

 

new Pastor in a small Oklahoma town spent the first four days making personal visits to each of the members, inviting them to come to his first services.
       
      The following Sunday the church was all but empty. Accordingly, the Pastor placed a notice in the local newspapers, stating that, because the church was dead, it was everyone's duty to give it a decent Christian burial. The funeral would be held the following Sunday afternoon, the notice said.
       
      Morbidly curious, a large crowd turned out for the "funeral." In front of the pulpit, they saw a closed coffin, smothered in flowers. After the Pastor delivered the eulogy, he opened the coffin and invited his congregation to come forward and pay their final respects to their dead church.
       
      Filled with curiosity as to what would represent the corpse of a "dead church," all the people eagerly lined up to look in the coffin. Each "mourner" peeped into the coffin then quickly turned away with a guilty, sheepish look.
       
      In the coffin, tilted at the correct angle, was a large mirror.

Things You Wouldn't Know Without Movies

-It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.

-A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

-If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

-Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

-It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

-When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

-No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

-Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

-When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

-You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

-Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

-An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.

-Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.