ochoop17's Blog

A Blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so She goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough, she opens the door and finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blond is angry, She opens her purse to take out the gun but as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells "No, honey, don't do it." The blond replies "Shut up, you're next."

I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me . . . it was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was braless. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view of her private parts. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test . . . we couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car!

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice say, "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.

He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted, "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.

"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell were you when I got married?"

Joe and Bill are out fishing and sipping beer while discussing football and NASCAR.

All of a sudden Joe says, "I think I'm gonna divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in over 6 months."

Bill sips his beer and says, "You better think it over, women like that are hard to find."

Denominational Falling

When the Methodist minister falls down the stairs, he picks himself up and
says, "That was an experience, how do I learn from it?"

When the Catholic priest falls down the stairs, he picks himself up and
says, "I must have done something really bad to deserve that."

When the Presbyterian minister falls down the stairs, he picks himself up
and says, "That was inevitable, I'm glad its over."

When the Baptist minister falls down the stairs, he picks himself up and
says, "Which one of my deacons pushed me?"

One day, there was this native man, whose name sounded like "Bowels". One day, he recieved a letter from the government saying that if he didn’t move his teepee it would be mowed over, for the government had plans to build a road that went right over his teepee. Naturally this pissed him off, so he marched into town to complain. When he got to town he walked into a building he thought was a government office, but was actually a pharmacy. He went right up to the lady at the desk and declared, "Bowels no move!", meaning that he would not move his teepee. The clerk, thinking he was constipated, gave him a laxative and sent him home. The next day he came back and said, "Bowels no move!" The clerk gave him a stronger laxative and sent him home. This happened two more times over two days, each time the clerk giving Bowels a stronger laxative. The 5th day, he came back weak as a newborn kitten, and he said to the clerk in a tired and defeated voice, "You win... Bowels move now... teepee full of s***."

Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach.

The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water.

The son comes running up to his mom and says, "Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"

The mother says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."

So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I saw men with p------ a lot bigger than Daddy's!"

The mother says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."

So he goes back to play.

Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"

A woman goes to a pet store to buy a parrot and the man at the pet store says, "I got to tell you this parrot was raised in a house of ill repute, so you might hear some bad words."

She said, "That's OK, I'll take him." So she goes home and puts him in a cage.

When the parrot arrives he looks around and says, "New home, new madam."

Later when her two teenage daughters come home the parrot says, "New home, new madam, new prositiutes."

Finally, when her husband comes home the parrot said, "New home, new madam, new prositiutes, same old faces - HI GEORGE!"

What Is Politics?

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep poo."

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:

Compliment her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine & dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her....


HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:

Show up naked,
Bring beer....

This elderly couple is watching one of those television preachers on TV one night. The preacher faces the camera, and announces, "My friends, I'd like to share my healing powers with everyone watching this program. Place one hand on top of your TV & the other hand on the part of your body which ails you and I will heal you."

The old woman has been having terrible stomach problems, so she places one hand on the television, and her other hand on her stomach. Meanwhile, her husband approaches the television, placing one hand on top of the TV and his other hand on his groin.

With a frown his wife says, "Ernest, he's talking about healing the sick, not raising the dead."

The teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Mary said, "My family went to the New Your City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word ‘fascinate.’”

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated."

The teacher said, "Good, but I wanted the word ‘fascinate.’"

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate" so she called on him.

Johnny said, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten 8."

A 65-year old mailman decided it was time to retire. When the small
commmunity he worked for found out, they decided they should do
something nice for him, since he'd served them for the past 45
years.

So, the last day on the job, the mailman went up to the first house,
and the homeowner welcomed him in. They gave him a pile of presents
to thank him for all his hard work.

At the next house they gave him a cheque for 100 dollars, and the 3rd
house, a cheque for 200 dollars.

At the fourth house, a blonde lady answered.
She was wearing silk pajamas, and was motioning him to follow her
upstairs. the mailman had the best sex of his entire life, and when
they were done, he went downstairs. On the table was a huge
breakfast, with waffles, eggs, pancakes, the whole deal, and a cup of
coffee with a 5 dollar bill underneath.

The mailman was curious, so he said to the lady, "I've had the best
day of my entire life, everyone has been so nice to me, but I have to
ask, what's the 5 dollar bill for?"

The lady replied, "I asked my husband what we should do for you and
he said 'f**k him, give him five bucks', but breakfast was my idea