pacattack05's Blog

New Rule: - Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: - mowing my lawn.

New Rule: - Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?

New Rule: - If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: - Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: - do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: - There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket? Water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: - The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the a**hole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge a**hole.

New Rule: - I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: - Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your a**. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: - I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: - If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: - No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's looting.

New Rule: - And this one is long overdue: - No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: - When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese.

3 Comments

Entry #250

July 29, 2006
10:17 am

When a redneck wins the lottery

redneck lottery winner

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Entry #249

July 28, 2006
1:35 am

Strange Day Yesterday

Two girls, twenty something.....got in my taxi and asked me to take them to 4056 crayton road.

About 5 hours later, another two girls got in and asked me to take them to the exact place as the previous ones. 4056 crayton road....

The latter two encountered mechanical problems with their plane prior to take-off and had to take another plane some few hours later, finally meeting up with their friends. Both parties were originally supposed to meet within about an hour of each other, considering all went well.

What are the odds of that? I even told them....If I can beat those odds, why can't I win the lottery? LOL

You know what I'll be doing for the next week or so right?

You guessed it.....Play 4056 straight, for 2 dollars, for atleast a week....

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Entry #248

July 27, 2006
2:00 am

Why bagpipers walk when they play.

To get away from the noise......

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Entry #247

July 27, 2006
1:56 am

what's the definition of an optimist?

An accordian player with a pager.......

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Entry #246