ochoop17's Blog

A duck walks into a bar and asks for a peanut butter sandwich.  The bartender tells him they don't have any and the duck leaves.  Next day the duck comes in again asking for a peanut butter sandwich.  Bartender says, "listen here duck - we don't got none and we ain't gonna get none, now get outta here."  Next day, duck comes sauntering in and the little vein in the bartender's head starts pulsing.  Duck asks once more, "can I have a peanut butter sandwich?"  "No we ain't, ya stupid duck, now get outta this bar and if ya ever asks me fer a peanut butter sandwich again I'm gonne nail yer little webbed feet to the floor."

Next day the duck walks in and the bartender looks like he's going to explode.  The duck asks "do you have any nails?"  "What, you stupid duck, no I don't have any nails!" "Oh, in that case... can I have a peanut butter sandwich?"

Aug. 20, 18--: ____________, 23rd President of the United States, is born in _______, Ohio.

Tim said to Jim, "Give me a dollar, and then I'll have as much as you." Jim said to Tim, "No, you give me a dollar, and then I'll have twice as much as you." How much did each one have?

Aug. 17, 1978: The first successful trans-Atlantic balloon flight ends as Maxie ______, Ben________ and Larry _______land their _______ outside of Paris.

I am always hungry,
    I must always be fed,
    The finger I touch,
    Will soon turn red

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins--if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

Aug. _, 1935: President Franklin D. Roosevelt signs the _____ _____ Act into law.

What sickness can't you talk about until it's cured?

This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.

He immediately phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and George said no and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all."

Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

Aug. 11, 19--: The first federal prisoners arrive at ________ Island (a former military prisoner) in ________ Bay.

What can be swallowed, But can also swallow you?

Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, men should take a look at their beer consumption. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each within a one hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.

No further testing is planned.

Aug. _, 18--: ____________sets sail for St. Helena to spend the remainer of his exile.

At night they come without being fetched, and by day they are lost without being stolen.     What are they?