ochoop17's Blog

May 20, 1932: __________took off from Newfoundland to become the first ______to fly solo across the _____.

My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to our six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" I wouldn't know what to say," she replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," my wife said. Our daughter bowed her head and said: "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

To cross the water I'm the way,

For water I'm above;

I touch it not, and truth to say,

I neither swim nor move. What am I ?

May17,1792: The New York Stock Exchange had its origins as a group of brokers met under a ___ on ______.

What is it when a guy talks nasty to a girl?

Sexual harassment.

What is it when a girl talks nasty to a guy?

$3.99 a minute.

What is it that someone else has to take before you can get it?

May 14, 1796: English physician _________ inoculated 8-year old ________ against smallpox by using cowpox matter.

One night a drunk guy is sitting at the bar and really has to go to the bathroom. So he sits there and asks the bartender, "hey man, wheres the bathroom?" The bartender says it's down the stairs and to the right. So the man goes down stairs and goes to the bathroom. About 30 seconds goes by and everyone in the bar hears a blood curdling scream, they ignore it and again they hear another scream about 30 seconds later. Then the man comes up stairs and says to the bartender "hey man, every time I tried to flush, someone would come up and squeeze my balls as hard as they could". The bartender says, "well which way did you go?" The man says down stairs and to the left. The bartender screams NO NO NO down stairs and to the RIGHT, to the left is the mop bucket closet.

Where can you find an ocean without any water ?

May 11, 1647: Peter _______ arrived in New _______ to become governor of New ______.

A couple gets married and the wife puts a foot locker in the bedroom. She locks it, then puts the only key on a chain around her neck. For fifty years, her husband tries to figure out what's in there, but she always changes the subject, and avoids the issue. Finally, on the night of their fiftieth wedding anniversary, he says to her, "I've got to know what's in the trunk!" She takes the key, unlocks the foot locker, and inside there's two ears of corn and $25,000. The guy says, "What's with the two ears of corn?" She says, "Well, umm, in the fifty years, every time I broke our marriage vows, I put an ear of corn in the trunk." The guy figures, "Twice in fifty years, not so bad..." Then he says, "And what's the $25,000?" She says, "Well, everytime I got a bushel, I sold it."

There is a bush fit for the nonce
That beareth pricks and precious stones
The fruit in fear some ladies pull.
Tis smooth and round and plump and full...
They put it in, and then they move it,
Which makes it melt, and then they love it.
So what was round, plump, full and hard
Grows lank and thin and dull and marred.

May_, 18_: Atlanta pharmacist __________invented the flavor syrup for ___ Cola.

One day a Madam opened the brothel door and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

"May I help you?" she asked.

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.

"No. I must see Valerie," he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $5,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out $5000.00 and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row -- too expensive -- and there were no discounts. The price was still $5,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.

The man replied, " South Carolina."

"Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."

"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are guaranteed:

1. Death

2. Taxes

3. Being screwed by a lawyer

How can you add eight 8's to get the number 1,000? (only use addition)