ochoop17's Blog

April 20, 19__: During World War II, allied forces took control of the German cities of ______ and _____.

Q: What happened to the man who was stopped for having sodium chloride and a nine-volt in his car?
A: He was booked for a salt and battery.

What grows down, when it grows up?

American aviator _____ _____was the first women to fly across the English Channel, traveling from ____ England to France in 59 minutes.

Why the sun lightens our hair,
but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara
with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline
'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what
they do 'practice'?

Why is lemon juice made with
artificial flavor, and dish washing
liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all
your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the
slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored
cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle
for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black
box that is used on airplanes? Why
don't they make the whole plane out
of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments
when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is
Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call
the airport the terminal?

What falls, but does not break, and what breaks but does not fall?

April 14, 1912: The British liner ___ Titanic collided with an iceberg in the North Atlantic at___p.m. ship's time and began to sinking.

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.

So I took her to a gas station.

And that's when the fight started....

- - -

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed, "She was my senior year girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says my wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And that's when the fight started....

What kind of coffee were they serving when the Titanic hit an iceberg?

April 11, 19__: President Harry S. Truman relieved Gen. _____ ______of his command in the Far East.

A man was in court for a double murder, and the judge said, "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You <snip>!"

The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."

Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You <snip>ed <snip>!"

The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you, or I shall charge you with contempt! Now is that a problem?"

The man at the back of the court stood up and responded, "For fifteen years, I have lived next door to that <snip>, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he never had one!"

Why is it difficult to have a conversation with a goat?

April 7, 19__: The ____ _____ organization was founded in Geneva.

I've sure gotten old. I've had two By-pass surgeries. A hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.

But.....Thank God, I still have my Florida driver's license!

This thing all things devours:
Birds, beasts, trees, flowers;
Gnaws iron, bites steel;
Grinds hard stones to meal;
Slays king, ruins town,
And beats high mountain down.