ochoop17's Blog

A Grizzly Conversion

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.” “I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.” They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

Mar.6, 18--: The _________ in ________, Texas falls to Mexican forces after a 13-day seige.

What is something you will never see again?

Two bats are going for their midnight feed. After an hour or so, one bat gets tired of looking and goes home with no blood.

The other bat comes home with blood dripping from its mouth. The first bat says enviously, "Where did you get all that blood from?"

The second bat replies, "Follow me. I'll show you."

After awhile the second bat leads them to a cave. He says, "You see that wall over there?"

The hungry bat excitedly says, "Yes!"

Other bat says, "I didn't."

Mar.3, 18--: _________becomes the 27th State.

What word in the English language uses all five vowels plus Y in alphabetical order and uses each one only once?

A man goes to the police station wanting to speak to the burglar who broke into his house the night before. ‘You’ll get your chance in court,’ says the desk sergeant.
‘No, no, no! says the man. ‘I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!’

Feb.28, 19--:President ____________nominates ____________ to be the first black assistant attorney general of the United States.

Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday
Tuesday
Wednesday
Thursday
Friday
Saturday
or Sunday?

Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call. Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, let's get out and get him." After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do?" The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself."

Feb.25, 19--: The --th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution, giving Congress the power to levy and collect ____ taxes goes into effect.

After teaching his class all about roman numerals (X = 10, IX=9 and so on) the teacher asked his class to draw a single continuous line and turn IX into 6.

The only stipulation the teacher made was that the pen could not be lifted from the paper until the line was complete.

An older couple had a son, who at 22 years of age was still living at home and unemployed. They decided to do a small test. They took a twenty-dollar bill, a Bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the dining room table, and hid, in a nearby closet.

The father's plan was: "If our son takes the money, he will be a businessman, if he takes the bible, he will be a priest, but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunk."

So, the parents waited patiently, hiding in the nearby closet with a direct view of the dining room table. Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive. The son looked at the items left on the table. Immediately, he took the twenty-dollar bill, and slid it in his pocket. Next, he picked up the bible, flipped through it, and took it. Then, he grabbed the bottle of whiskey, opened it and took a swig. Then he left for his room, carrying all three items.

The father looked at his wife, and said: "Honey, our boy is going to be a politician!"

Feb.22, 20--: "_______ Millionaire" wins best picture and seven other Academy Awards.

What kind of table has no legs?